Rip Hamilton To Donate Pubic Beard To Charlie Villanueva

To say the Detroit Pistons are in trouble would be an epic understatement. It seems to me that ever since the move to draft Darko Milicic (when we passed on Melo, Bosh, Wade, Kaman, Collison, and West) and the move to get rid of Larry Brown in 2005 (he had been talking behind the Pistons back with the Cavs), we have been in a downward spiral of piss poor coaching and mediocrity. In the years following the essential shitcanning of Brown, we were subject to the Flip Saunders experiment and the only reason he was "successful" was because of the carry over from the work that Brown did. The rebuilding of the team in 08-09 was highlighted by hiring Michael Curry and shipping out Billups and ultimately, trading the heart and soul leader of our perennial Eastern Conference Champs. In addition, Dumars love for the aging, gambling drunkard Allen Iverson and spending 1 billion dollars on Villanueva and Gordon were not his best moves. If we were going to spend money on an aging, gambling drunkard, I would have just paid Charles "TRBL" Barkley.

Now, it hasn't been all bad. The Pistons managed to let Sheed go in 09-10. This guy should have lived on the block and made a living with smooth post moves, but instead he always seemed to jack 3s and talk shit at inopportune times and cost us game after game. They also drafted Daye, Summers, and Jerebko who look to be solid for us if we actually decide to rebuild. 2010-2011 brought us Greg Monroe who has the raw talent to become a very serviceable big man with his averages of 13 and 9 over the past month.

So, what happened to watching the Bad Boys with your dad? What happened to the heart and hustle that was shown in the days of Jerome "Junk Yard Dog" Williams? What happened to the team defense that made us the team to beat in the East? What happened to the feeling of excitement when going to a Pistons game? Now, we just go to see my future job: dancing for The Spare Tires. It seems like the only person who plays with any energy anymore is Blaha, and he is approaching the age of The Big Bang. Count THAT baby and a foul.

Let's fast-forward to our current situation with Mr. Rip Hamilton and current coach, John Kuester. In case you haven't been following, here is Exhibit A, Exhibit B, and Exhibit C. The past couple weeks have been highlighted by Rip blowing up on Kuester in practice, players laughing on the bench during the ejection of Kuester, Villanueva tweeting his opinions on his head coach, and players skipping shootaround on Friday because of sprained vaginas.

1) This is apparently what went down on the practice court: "Hamilton bellowed at Kuester that he had been a failure in his two seasons in Detroit, blown the opportunity the franchise afforded him and was nothing more than a career assistant coach." Hamilton managed to do this in front of all the aforementioned young guys above and apparently was staging a mutiny against Kuester. I can't even begin to explain how atrocious this is. As we look to rebuild and develop young talent, this is wildly unacceptable. Don't get me wrong, the Pistons would be better off coached by Richard Simmons and "Hanoi" Jane Fonda at this point, but blowing up on Q in the middle of practice is not the way to handle this issue. If I had known that Rip was going to be a metastatic cancer like this, I would have drafted UConn teammate Khalid El-Amin and that oversized garbage bag of an undershirt he used to wear instead. Yes, I would have separately used a draft pick on his undershirt.

2) Let's discuss Charlie Villanueva's twitter account which has apparently over 137,000 viewers. If you are someone who follows Charlie Villanueva on twitter, you should be shot and forced to donate your genitals to the National Alopecia Areata Foundation. Athletes, for some reason, think Twitter is a great forum to express their opinions on authoritative figures. The solution? Every time an athlete says something negative about the team or people affiliated with their franchise on a social website gets a 3-game suspension and fined. And none of this shit $25K fines. I'm talking MASSIVE fines. I don't think our founding fathers had twitter and facebook in mind when discussing freedom of speech. And even if they did discuss twitter, I'm sure they didn't discuss following Charlie Villanueva for fear of losing their genitals. The bottom line: air your dirty laundry with the source of displeasure and not on public websites.

3) All of this culminated on Friday when the Pistons skipped shootaround as a type of mutiny against their head coach. I'll admit, not bringing in anyone at the trade deadline was pretty dumb. That being said, Hamilton was offered options to get out of Detroit but turned them down because he didn't want to play for the Cavs (or be bought out to go to the Bulls) given their current record. So now he is stuck to rot on the bench where he belongs. I would have liked to have seen the Pistons bring in someone like Gerald Wallace who the Bobcats were selling like 50/50 raffle tickets at your local high school game.

Alas, were stuck with a coalition of veterans who continue to stage a coup d'état against their boss while the young players are forced to watch what happens when grown men become babies and ultimately, get their way. With the impending sale of the team, one word comes to mind for Joe Dumars. Hamstrung. The higher powers won't let any transactions occur and we're forced to watch a 22-39 team attempt to shave a 5.5 game deficit and hobble into the playoffs where they would be dismantled by any athletic team in history. Rip, Prince, CV all have to go. I don't care if we're forced to field a team consisting of Powder, Alf, Napoleon Dynamite, Doug Funny, and Optimus Prime. I am sick of these previously proud, presently pretentious primadonna's promoting pouting. Bring in some young guys that want to play for a mediocre coach (Re: Cleveland Cavaliers) and then can Kuester after the season. We should bring in Les Miles to coach! For real though, with whatever money we can spend, bring in Jerry Sloan to finish out his coaching career. He would do a wonderful job with talent development and would act as an enforcer. I'd be willing to spearhead a fundraiser at Bazooki's and The Old Shillelagh to get him here.

Richard Hamilton should be ashamed of what he is doing to an entire franchise. Just because he "fist-bumped" with Kuester and took passes from him today does not rectify our current situation. He is setting a terrible example for our young core and his incessant crybaby attitude has become taxing. He will never be Reggie Miller. He will never be Ray Allen. Take off the mask and expose who he really is: an aging veteran at the tail end of his career who needed Chauncey Billups to get anywhere in the NBA.