The Single Greatest Bit Ever Televised On ESPN

Nuclear Mustachalogy.

Don't Forget To Drink Double If Sneaking Cheese Past A Rat

From http://detroit4lyfe.com/articles/detroit-tigers/rod-allen-drinking-game-2010.html

This has to be the most genius drinking game ever created. If you don't think this is funny, you have never watched FSN whilst Rod Allen is speaking...NOTE: Do not try this at home. Not even the mighty Stefan Zonia could get through 9 innings of this shit.

THE
ROD ALLEN
DRINKING GAME v2.0

*If Rod is on national television, all drinks are doubled.

* Before the game, decide on one of these commercials (Belle Tire, Little Caesars, Bernstein's or Dr. Rahmani) and drink 3 each time the selected commercial comes on.

1 DRINK ——————————————————

When Rod says, “pahdnuh.”

When Rod says, the Tigers have the best fans in baseball everyone must raise their beverage and take one drink.

When Rod agrees with Mario and says, “you’ve got that right.”

When Rod says, "without question."

When Rod says, "legit."

When Rod says, “oh, for sure”

When Rod responds to Mario by saying, "good point."

Whenever A Fox Sports Detroit girl is shown or mentioned.

3 DRINKS —————————————————

When Rod says, “I see you _____!”

When Rod is shown in the booth, all players must yell, “I see you, Rod!” and drink 3.

When a player shows bunt and Rod mentions this as being a “good idea”

When Rod says that a player or coach can “flat out” do something.

When Rod starts a sentence with “them boys.”

When Rod classifies something as a “major league,” such as a hit or an at bat.

When Rod identifies a pitch as a change “piece” or slide “piece”

When Rod says that a hit was “majestic.”

When Rod says, “filthy.”

When Rod correctly answers the trivia question.

When Rod says that a pitcher has “easy gas.”

When Rod makes any kind of reference to a player or his ability being “special”

When Rod starts a sentence with “for whatever reason”

When Rod says the phrase “professional hitter” or “professional pitcher”

When Rod says, "tremendous."

When Rod says, "big fella."

When Rod says, "cabby."

When Rod says, "cheese." (double if he is talking about sneaking cheese by a rat)

When Rod starts a sentence with, "make no mistake."

When Rod says, "look no further."

Whenever Rod reads the in game promo. (double if it's Tigers fantasy camp)

Whenever MARIO ends an inning saying, “Tigers threaten, but do not score.”

5 DRINKS ————————————————

Whenever Rod says he talked to someone before the game. (Double if this comes at "batting practice")

When showing the fans, you spot a Rod Allen poster. (double if on the road)

When Rod says the phrase, “oh no he didn’t.”

Whenever Rod “feels sorry for the (opposing team/player)” after a pitchers stuff is especially “filthy” that day

When a player shows bunt and Rod does not mention it being a good idea.

When Rod says “stop it _____.” This usually comes when an opposing player is having a great game against the Tigers.

When Rod says that a player “better come correct.”

When Rod asks, “are you serious?!”

When Rod starts a sentence with “call me crazy, but.”

When Rod praises Leyland for doing something unconventional. Such as hit and run on 0-2 count. Double the drinks if the move backfires and Rod still praises the move.

When Rod describes someone as being “old school.”

When Rod says the phrase, “the unintentional, intentional walk.”

When Rod incorrectly answers the trivia question.

When Rod says something is a "remedy for success."

When Rod says, "big fly!"

Whenever Rod describes a pitch or a line drive as an "absolute seed."

Whenever Rod says, "cat."

Whenever Rod says a pitcher is throwing a "steady diet" of a certain pitch.

Whenever Rod says, "eaassyyy Papa Grande"

Whenever Rod asks, "are you kidding me?"

Whenever Rod sends out a tweet during the game.

Whenever Rod says a play got "into one's kitchen."

Whenever John Keating interrupts the game with highlights from around the MLB. (0 drinks if it is anyone else)

When Rod says, "ribeyes" or "steaks" when talking about runs batted in.

7 DRINKS ————————————————

Whenever Rod intentionally spells something out incorrectly to make a point: (That boy is B-A-D-D, bad! or Don Kelly is getting B-I-Z-Z-Y, busy! Or Santiago is S-M-O-O-V-E, smooth!)

When Rod describes someone as being “country strong!” (triple if he is still talking about Marcus Thames)

When Rod says, "baseball's a great game."

Whenever Rod says a player "looks good in his uniform." (double if he is talking about a coach)

When Rod says, "contact to damage ratio." (double if it is off the chain)

When Rod says that a pitcher is throwing “itty bitty ones.”

Whenever Rod incorrectly uses the word "literally."

Whenever cotton candy is mentioned.

Whenever Rod describes his physique as being "puffy."

8 DRINKS ————————————————

When Rod references his time with the 84 Tigers, take as many drinks as hits (8) that he had with the 84 Tigers.

Whenever Rod describes a player’s spin move as a “pirouette”

When showing the fans, you spot a Rod Allen poster where he is dressed up as Luigi. (double if on the road)

Whenever Rod makes the statement “some kind of _____.” (IE: Some kind of smooth)

When Rod compares a Tiger to Albert Pujols.

When Rod references Mario’s “fancy” education or large pay checks.

When Rod calls for the suicide squeeze.

When Rod says, "game within the game."

Whenever Rod references his playing time in Japan.

10 DRINKS ———————————————

When Rod says that a broken bat “died a hero” on a hit.

When Rod is being critical or openly questions a coaching decision made by Leyland.

When Rod says the Tigers are “beatin’ on the (opposing pitcher) like he stole something!”

When Rod says a player is "stylin' and profling."

When Rod says “get on with your bad self!”

12 DRINKS ——————————————

When Rod says “buggy whipped.”

When Rod mentions Beyonce.

20 DRINKS ——————————————

When the footage of Rod charging the mound in Japan is shown.

When Rod mentions the "Rod Allen Drinking Game" on the air or on twitter.

General Silliness 2 drinks may be had when Rod displays general silliness. This optional rule can be applied in group or individual play and can be declared before the game or invoked when the silliness occurs. General silliness can be loosely interpreted as that’s why it’s not technically part of the rules. Experienced players will recognize this activity which can include stepping over the play by play with yelps, screams or any array of noises, use of non-words, abundant laughing or appearing overly giddy.

Two Wildly Amazing Links I Read Today

http://nobodyputsbradeinthecorner.com/congratulations-greg-olsen

http://www.happyplace.com/8868/kenny-powers-isthe-new-mfceo-of-k-swiss

The NBA Playoffs. Where terrible point guard play swings home court advantage

I'll admit it. I quit on the NBA this year. While I thoroughly enjoyed the Game 7 slugfest between the Lakers and Celtics last season, I could not dedicate myself to the regular season this year. Much of that stems from the fact that my beloved Pistons were not only bad this season, but they might been the most apathetic, boring and irrelevant team in the history of the NBA. The formation of the mega-teams in major markets has made the NBA like European soccer. We have our powerhouse clubs, Miami, Boston, LA, Dallas, San Antonio, etc that are in the playoffs every year and usually win the title. Since 1984 the only teams that have won the NBA title are the Celtics, Lakers, Pistons, Bulls, Spurs, Rockets, Heat. If you excuse the 2006 Heat title, six teams have won the NBA title in the last 25 years. The NBA has been the anti-NFL, a place where parity does not exist. This effect has made the regular season an exercise in futility as the star studded teams destroy the jobber-like Sacramento Kings and Minnesota Timberwolves for six months biding their time until the playoffs start. This season was shaping up like any other, and it was pretty much accepted that Miami, Boston, LA, or San Antonio would win the title. Maybe Chicago or Orlando or Oklahoma City would beat one of the big boys but we all assumed that these teams were either too poorly constructed( Orlando) or youthful (Chicago and Oklahoma City) to make a serious title run this year.

But then the playoffs started. Memphis shocked the world, Orlando no-showed versus the Hawks, and the Lakers and Celtics were at least bothered by game efforts from an undermanned Knicks squad and a pesky Hornets team (Chris Paul just reclaimed his throne as the best pure point guard in basketball, Derrick Rose is not a point guard but rather a strange combo between Dwyane Wade and Penny Hardaway) and the young Bulls got all they could handle from a tough Pacers team. Dallas went through a battle against Portland. All in all, the first round of the NBA playoffs showed that the middle-class of the NBA can compete with the big boys come playoff time. I was in Memphis when they upset the Spurs, and it was amazing to see the excitement and joy from the fans down there. Keep in mind that Memphis had never won a playoff game before this post-season, and they absolutely took down a four-time championship team in what would have been a 5 game smackdown if it wasn't for two ridiculous shots by Manu Ginobili and Gary Neal.

As the second round has unfolded, the championship race is suddenly wide open. Begrudgingly, the Heat look like the favorites. This series with Boston has been physical as hell and it will be interesting to see how the series will play out if Boston can retain homecourt. If the Celtics can get another performance like the one last night from Garnett and can get anything out of O'neal and O'neal then this series will probably go 7 and it will be interesting to see how much this one will take out of eventual winner. The Chicago-Atlanta series is interesting because the Hawks are showing some balls and proving people wrong after getting killed by Orlando last season. I don't think they will beat Atlanta just because Derrick Rose is playing at such a high level right now. I think everyone who saw him play at Memphis knew he would be good in the NBA, but I don't think anyone saw him emerging as arguably the best player on the planet so quickly. He put on a transcendent performance the other night in scoring 44 points on the road, and I think that he will refuse to allow the Bulls to lose this series.

Out West, things have gotten interesting. The Lakers are practically done, and they know it, everyone in America knows it, but they have a living legend in Kobe Bryant who will not quit(ok he might depending on how the other guys play, but at this point I can't blame him) and if any team can win four straight it is the two time defending champions. Realistically, Dallas will win this one in 5 or 6, the Lakers will move Gasol and Odom to Orlando for Dwight Howard and Hedo, and will begin to rebuild. Gasol has totally disappeared during the playoffs and there are crazy rumors of Kobe's wife convincing Pau's finacee to leave him while they are beefing with the Kardashians because Lamar Odom's wife is more famous than them(I shit you not). The Mavericks needed to beat the Lakers to erase some of the questions about their toughness. Dallas has been in some wars and they have had some terrible luck. They fell apart in 2006 and I feel like they have spent the last few years trying to regain their smile. I think they were scarred by getting upset by the Warriors in 2007. Remember that team was 67-15 and lost to one of the best 8 seeds(and best NBA crowds) in recent memory. Dirk has played out of his mind and is cementing himself as an all-time great on the level of Charles Barkley or Karl Malone. If the Mavericks can keep this run going and win it all then it will validate Dirk as probably the greatest offensive power forward in basketball history. There has never been a legit 7 footer than can do the things he can do offensively. He's had to carry so much of the load the last few years that its good to see this team kind of come together around him.

The Memphis-Oklahoma City series has shown one thing. That is the fact that Russell Westbrook is the new Stephon Marbury. In fact he might be worse, because at least Starbury gave up money to the community. Westbrook put on one of the most atrocious point guard performances ever yesterday. He shot his team out of a 15 point lead, constantly got guys terrible shots, turned the ball over, and refused to acknowledge that the best scorer in basketball is on his team. He waved Durant off, got him the ball in terrible spots, and forced an offensive wunderkind to stand in the corner for the last quarter and a half of the game. They will never win a title with him and should trade him for Deron Williams right now. Memphis is playing with tons of heart and I want them to win the whole thing because their city is flooding and it would be...hilarious

Shaka "Iron Man" Smart

This is what coaches SHOULD be doing with their teammates...

Awesome.

Lebron To Have Colonoscopy Secondary To Mysterious Bowel Habits

The Big Lebowski: What makes a man, Mr. Lebowski?
The Dude: Dude.
The Big Lebowski: Huh?
The Dude: Uhh... I don't know sir.
The Big Lebowski: Is it being prepared to do the right thing, whatever the cost? Isn't that what makes a man?
The Dude: Hmmm... Sure, that and a pair of testicles.

Ages ago, to be a man, it took the ability to wield a longbow, to start a fire, and to wear an oak leaf over your genitals. Over time, it has transformed to being able to provide for a family, growing chest hair and a beard, and the know-how to be a handyman. Really, all qualities that I have yet to demonstrate in adulthood. What Lebron James did on Tuesday in a return trip to Cleveland was not what I would call "manly." In case you missed it, here is a video of the incident. When Queen James was questioned after the game why he skipped the intros, he blamed it on having to go to the bathroom. Yet, he managed to slither out of the locker room immediately after intros while the lights were down and the Cavs were being introduced. Every person who has ever been an athlete knows that "the pregame dump" is taken long before the gun sounds, the ball is tipped, or the opening kickoff. The "pregame" is a precious time for an athlete where they can reflect on the task at-hand and formulate a plan of attack for the upcoming event. The pregame is never rushed. Never hurried. Even if you only have to let loose a phantom deuce, you take your time, you enjoy it. Pregames were never meant to be had as your starting center is being introduced.
Now, Bron could have been doing 3 things. He could have been trying to stick it to the Cleveland fans...again, he could have been trying to cowardly avoid the inevitable barrage of boos, or he could have been taking the Browns to the Superbowl (which is something that would never happen)/growing a tail/giving birth to the sixth Cosby/pinching a loaf. I hypothesize that his answer would be that he was rubbing salt in the wounds of the fans but really I think deep down, he didn't want to hear what the fans had to say about him, about his leaving the city of Cleveland out to dry. What he did was nothing short of dastardly. And in a league full of babies, he wore the biggest diaper on this night. Add this event to Lebron saying that he doesn't know what "contraction" meant and you have a public image that is crumbling faster than a loaf of day-old Jimmy John's bread. I can only hope that LBJ finishes his career with 0 rings. And if you missed the game, Byron Scott did a nice job rallying his troops. He wrote on the locker room whiteboard, "1. Play Hard 2. Take Care of Home 3. What Do You Have To Lose/Gain?" Seems like the boys in maroon took it to heart as they came out and thumped the Heatles.
What I do know is that it takes a man to correctly pick this year's Final Four. And that is precisely what this clown did on ESPN. Incredible. I would have had better luck in my Final Four if I had picked the Wonderboys of Arkansas Tech, the Dirtbags of Cal State Long Beach, the Banana Slugs of The University of Cal/Santa Cruz and the Perkins School for the Blind. Needless to say, UConn was the only team I had in the Final Four. I can only assume your bracket is as busted as mine.
And speaking of manly men, how about this Shaka Smart character? I'll admit, I had NO idea who he was or that VCU even existed before this year's tourney. Another thing I did not know is that he turned down Yale and Harvard to attend Kenyon College, a liberal arts school in the shitbomb known as Ohio, where he finished magna cum laude with a degree in history even though the enrollment at Kenyon is 2 people. The dude is obviously smart (pun intended) and he implements a style of hoops that he calls, "havoc," which tries to get teams to deviate from their game plan. And that is exactly what they have managed to do thus far. The first full game I watched of VCU was against my horse, Kansas. Kansas began the game dumping it down low at-will and looked to take control early. Somehow, VCU managed to pull ahead for good on the backs of a 4 foot 3 inch Mexican with the ball on a string and a goofy looking 5 that can stroke the 3 a la Kevin Pittsnogle circa 2005. As the game became more and more out of reach and I was pondering changing it to something more entertaining like "Cougar Town," I was eerily drawn back to watching the ensuing meltdown that would finish off everybody's bracket for good. Shaka Smart has these kids drinking the Kool-Aid and there was even a time where he was down and moving like he was playing defense on the lackadaisical guard play of KU. His defender responded by forcing the Kansas player baseline and out-of-bounds. As the game came to a close, I found myself hopping on the VCU bandwagon wondering how long the slipper would fit. After the game, reporters tried to rile him up by asking what he thought of all the ESPN analysts who said they shouldn't have even made the tourney (cough, Jay Bilas). Smart did a masterful job shrugging it off, crediting Kansas, and commending his team's effort. Rather than get caught up and blast ESPN, he took the high road and was gracious.

Perhaps that is what being a man boils down to. Being able to take the high road in the face of a trap. Being gracious and humble in the face of a W that no one thought would happen. Being happy and proud for a chance at greatness in the face of a media full of haters rather than hiding in the shitter.

Cheers to you, VCU. You have silenced the basketball world with Ws over PAC 10, Big 10, Big 12, SEC, Big East, and ACC opponents. I can only hope you continue to play as men and finish off the Horizon League.

The Return of Arrogance

I'm thinking...Should I do it? Should I not? Should I do it? Should I not? And I'm really wrestling with myself about this. I cross the goal line and I'm like, "Hey, fuck it."
-Desmond Howard on striking the pose during The Game in 1991.

I didn't start speaking in earnest until I was three years old. My parents were very concerned for quite some time. They were actually concerned enough that they took me to the doctor to make sure I wasn't mute or autistic. When I finally started speaking it became obvious that I had just been biding my time, focusing intently on one thing: sports. I knew all the names to all the players donning the maize and blue. As I grew and started to be able to dribble the basketball I wanted to be Jalen Rose. I chose the number six for my first soccer team because I wanted to be Tyrone Wheatley (I know Tyrone Wheatley didn't play soccer so that doesn't make sense, but I was 5 years old. Give me a fucking break.) Some of my first memories are of Desmond Howard streaking to the end zone as Keith Jackson belted out "Hello Heisman!" I remember clearly jumping to my feet screaming and cheering as the Fab Five came back in East Lansing and again as Jalen went off in Champaign in front of the Orange Crush. When I attended my cousin's graduation from MSU I may have asked the entire family why I was there because, "It's not like State is a real school anyway." I may have received a well deserved beating for that little comment too. As I got older I decided I wanted to be a cornerback after watching Charles Woodson snag an impossible interception against MSU. Take a few minutes and watch all those moments and try not to smile if you're a Michigan fan. From my youngest years I was a loud and proud Michigan fan, because that's where I'm from and that's what we do.

These last few years have been rough though. There have been too many memories that will get lumped in with those not so fond childhood moments like Desmond being tripped in the end zone or Chris Webber calling timeout. Hell, these last three years have been a lifetime of terrible memories as far as Michigan fans are concerned. I've almost been glad to be in a war zone rather than Ann Arbor during our rivalry games.

I see our football team struggling. I also see what they can become. No one will ever convince me that 10 wins wasn't our floor with Rodriguez this upcoming season...and then I see a coaching change made that might make us wait awhile longer. I hear our rivals laughing and jeering. Hell, some OSU fans don't even bother with that anymore. They've resorted to pure pity for us now. And yet, we have 20+ returning starters, so how much can we really slip? (Don't answer that, especially if you're a State fan and more experienced with crushed dreams). The truth, whether you're a Hoke, Rodriguez, or rival fan, is that Michigan's football future is bright no matter who is at the helm.

This winter was expected to be even bleaker on the hardwood. But even though we have the youngest basketball team West of Kim Jong Il's pleasure squad, our boys have somehow battled back to become a tournament team. I might argue that they've become one of the most compelling teams in the nation this past month. They're talented, and they have heart, and they're fun to watch. They do dumb shit sometimes, but again...I can see the spark. I can see the future out of these guys and it's great. It's what the future of a basketball power should look like.

Meanwhile our two biggest rivals are celebrating mixed bags. Ohio State finally slipped up and is backtracking to explain why their "saint" of a football coach wouldn't tell the NCAA about obvious infractions or at least bench the players he knew were clearly ineligible. But they still have the #1 overall seed in the NCAA tournament, and they can still point to the scoreboard this past decade. We've finally managed to sweep MSU in their flagship sport for the first time since I was in junior high and the Spartan football team has completed their annual assault banquet. And yet, they can still point to the last three years, the best they've had in half a century.

Before the 2008 NFL Draft the Onion did a breakdown of Jake Long and it includ ed a bullet that said, "Went to Michigan, so he'll probably be fucking insufferable about that." I love that, because in the satire is truth. We're proud beyond reason. We wear our pride like a badge of honor like no other alums I've met do. It's not just where we went to school, it's a deep part of our identity. And it's part of the fun of being a Michigan fan and alum. Whether it's on the field, court, ice, mat, in the pool, lab, or even fucking space, bitches...we win. And yeah, we like to talk about it. Enough that national sportswriters include notes to reassure us that our team is safely in the tournament and please don't flood their inbox. Enough that our national basketball legacy has been turned into a documentary (highest rated ever) about brash, trash talking, wunderkinds who changed the entire culture of the sport. They brought swagger into it. They brought style to it. They embodied that Michigan spirit that some people, mainly members of lowly rival fanbases, like to call arrogance.

This week the Fab Five documentary was aired and it was incredible. It's been almost 20 years since those kids ignited Crisler Arena. A few things popped out from that first Duke game. Did you see the way the crowd was going nuts? Did you see how fun it was to be Michigan? To be unapologetically great? Michigan trailed by 10 at the half and judging from the ovation there wasn't a single person in Crisler that didn't seem to believe in the kids on the floor. It's something I've rarely experienced this last decade, and I want it back. I want our teams to walk out on the court or field and expect to dominate. I want opposing teams to know that no matter how good they think they are, and no matter what they'll accomplish, they'll be remembered for their games against the boys in Maize and Blue.

I've held my tongue the last three years. I haven't talked shit at all. I've been gracious in what few victories we've had, and even more so in the many defeats we've suffered. I've seen why our rivals are our rivals because when they win the talk never ends. And when they lose it's, "Wait til next year," or, "Oh, sure, you have ONE good season..." I've been mute, biding my time once again.

Tomorrow, our too-young-to-compete basketball team will step onto the court as an 8 seed, and most of the Asshats on ESPN are picking them to bow out in the first round against Tennessee. The last few years whisper to me that they're probably right, that I shouldn't get too excited or set my expectations too high. That if we, as a fanbase, get too brash, too confident, the response from every hater crawling in the AIDS swamps of East Lansing and Columbus will be deafening when we fall.

But I see the future coming friends. It's got many great moments. I see more "Hellooooo Heisman!" I see banners being raised and parades to the President's house. I see a lot of moments that are going to be really hard to be quiet about. And I see them coming soon. And knowing all this, I've been really wrestling with myself. Should I do it? Should I not? Should I do it? Should I not?

Hey, fuck it.

WE GONNA SHOCK THE WORLD!