Brett Keisel's Beard Should Be A Wonder Of The World

Not being able to grow a beard is disappointing, both to myself and my manhood. As we approach the big game, I would like to salute Brett Keisel's beard. The thing is tremendous. Not tremendous enough to allow me to cheer for Ben Roethlisberger, but bad ass nonetheless. Yes, he does look like a wild, transient hobo, but before you criticize realize that that thing could easily house a family of birds (a la Family Guy). PETA should recognize it as a wildlife refuge and protect it! If I was a TE and was to lineup across from him and saw that luscious facial hair trying to escape from his chin strap, I would have to fight off the urge to laugh and cry at the same time.

I have also added 3 other examples of amazing facial hair. Brian Wilson's beard is so dense, it looks fake. However, I think he dyes it, which is why I give the nod to Keisel as best beard of the millenium. RP Clay Zavada, with that amazing mustache, looks like he could be the ringleader in a traveling circus. Seriously, can't you see him introducing the bearded woman? Christoph Waltz will be playing the villian in the new movie Water for Elephants but Zavada would have also been a good choice. I have never seen someone look so shady while actually playing baseball. The first beard shown is that of Shawn Buchanan. I added his here because it is well-kept, well-trimmed, auburn and perhaps the best beard I have actually seen. I have also added an example of when facial hair goes terribly wrong. I'm not sure if Kevin Millar lost a bet or if he shaved with his eyes closed, but that monstrosity of a mustache is utterly putrid. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your batting average.

So, with 6 hours until the big game, I would like to tip the cap to these men with wigs on their faces. I am extremely jealous and can only hope I hit puberty soon so I may be able to grow one of my own. If things do not go my way, I may be forced to get a mustache tattoo on my finger like this guy.

Big Ben, you are a crook, and I hope that Aaron Rodgers performs this pose mutiple times today. Good luck to the people playing Superbowl squares today. I decided not to gamble this year on the game because rich people always win and because my numbers are usually 2 and 8. I was afraid if I played this year, I would actually get shapes instead of numbers. The final score would have needed to be Circle-Triangle for me to win. Enjoy the game and if you do not watch all 12 hours of The Puppy Bowl, you should be ashamed of yourself. Packers 24-Steelers 21.