I Hate Evan Smotrycz With Every Fiber of My Soul

This article is the product of my simmering rage for one Evan Smotrycz of the Michigan basketball team. Last nights game against Illinois was the final straw. I have reached my boiling point. Those of you who correspond with me during Michigan games know this hatred is well-documented and long-standing. Evan Smotrycz is the worst basketball player I have ever seen. I hate him.

When we first recruited him I was excited. He came out of high school looking like the prototypical player for Beilien's system. He was tall (6-9) and he had range. However, over the course of the last 27 games he has proven to be completely inept. First of all, whoever accused him of being a good shooter is an idiot. He is shooting a robust 38% from the floor and 66% from the line. Horrible. Second of all, despite his height, he plays smaller than anyone on the floor. He hangs out on the perimeter on offense doing nothing but occasionally spotting up for a 3 pointer when Belein needs a strategical missed field goal that leads to a fast break the other way. On defense he is about as intimidating as an adolescent Asian child. He gets pushed around in the post by forwards and guards dribble right around him like he's not even there. Seriously, he is a 6-9 "power forward" who averages 2.4 rebounds and .3 blocks per game. Do you know who averages more rebounds per game than Smotrycz? 5 other players on the team, 4 of whom are guards. Our point guard out-rebounds him by 1.6 a game. And what is the reaction to all this horrid play? HE STARTS! Every time I see him my blood boils.

Last night against the Illini Smotrycz had another stellar showing. He went 2-9 from the floor. The 3 pointer that he made DESPERATELY tried to come out. It spun around in the rim for at least 2 seconds before going down. He nearly blew the other shot he made, a wide open lay-up set up by a brilliant pass from Morris. Then, in the least shocking turn of events in the history of time, Smotrycz got wide open with 3 seconds left, down 2. He slid to his left to shake the only would-be defender, got an uncontested shot off and.......missed horribly. The shot went careening off the backboard, never anywhere near threatening to win the game. In fact, Stu Douglass got the rebound and without looking turned and fired it with one hand as time expired and at least drew rim. Literally, a player blindly threw up a one handed prayer that had a better chance of scoring that Smotrycz getting a set shot wide open in rhythm. I drowned my sorrows in beer and liquor, but really all I want to do is drown him.

I have never hated a member of any of my school's athletic teams this ardently before. There have been guys I didn't like, but I find myself outwardly rooting against him. I would get up and cheer if he blew his knee out. Before Smotrycz, the only Michigan athlete I ever loathed was Morgan Trent, but mostly that was because he couldn't cover one of those mannequins that doesn't even have arms (how is that guy in the NFL?). My hatred levels for Smotrycz are exponentially greater. I wish there was some way to transfer him to Guantanamo Bay A&M. The worst thing of it all is that we have no height coming in next year so he is going to continue getting a lot of playing time despite the fact his height is irrelevant because he thinks he's a shooting guard (who can't shoot).

Despite this untalented asswipe parading his incompetence on the floor night in and night out, I will applaud the team as a whole (minus him, because he should die). I never dreamed that the Illinois game would even be relevant coming into this season. Losing Harris and Sims I thought would mean a complete lack of competition from our team. The guys are buying into the system though, and since this team has 0 seniors and 2 juniors the future is very bright.

But seriously, I will give you $10 to whoever runs Smotrycz down with their car or gives him bone marrow cancer. Our team will thrive without him.