Emo Cabrera Joins Dashboard Confessional: "You Don't Know Anything About My Problems!"

One of these mugshots is not like the other! But before I give you the answer, let's have a nice little flashback. October 2009. the Tigers lose to the Twins after leading the division since May and ultimately lose the Central and do not go to the playoffs. Worst 4 hours of my life. I think we all know where I'm going from here. The night before, Tigers slugger Miguel Cabrera stays out too late, drinks too much, and hits his wife which leads to him half-assing the game, and us losing maybe the most heartbreaking baseball game I have ever seen. I do not think I have ever been so irate at a Detroit player in my life. Well, upon thinking about childhood, I do remember Piston great Bill Laimbeer telling me, "Kid, I don't do autographs" and my dad about punching him in the ear, but thats a blog for another day. Miggy fans said, "It wont happen again." "He's a changed man." "He's our best player." Flash forward to the 2010 season where he finished with a .328 average and 38 home runs which led to him finishing 2nd in the MVP voting. "He turned a corner." "He doesn't drink anymore." Now, while he was creaming the ball last year and memories of him ruining our 2009 season were being slept under the rug, some of us didn't forget the past.

Let's flash forward now to our present conundrum. About a month before our most promising season in many, Miggy is arrested on DUI charges. I wish this is where the story ended, but alas, it is not. The only worse time to fuck up than RIGHT before the season is if you're in a playoff to get into the playoffs. Catching my drift?

My first issue with this story is the fact that he was driving a car with a bum engine which was smoking when the cops came to the scene. He is set to make $20 million this season. 20,000,000. If I made that kind of money, I would definitely own the Delorean. I would then drive said Delorean roughly 88 mph to activate the flux capacitor and go back in time to make better fucking decisions. Either that, or I would hire Elian Gonzalez to follow me around and any time 1 ounce of alcohol touched my face, he would be my DD. If imagining Elian Gonzalez and Miguel Cabrera in an inner tube in a major Florida city doesn't make you smile, then you do not have a sense of humor. Shit, if Miggy would have called me, I would have crawled to Florida and let him ride on my back to his house for just a small fraction of that 20 mil.

My second issue is Cabrera's behavior whilst inside his vehicle. I'm nearly positive that the dumbest thing you can do while behind the wheel is take a swig directly from the bottle you have been drinking. Couldn't he have hid it in a Bubba Keg or something? He might as well have been pointing a weapon at the cop while admitting that he has a kilo of Colombian Bam Bam under his seat.

My third issue here is a chicken and the egg debate. Let me explain:
"According to the police report, Cabrera was wandering into the road with his hands up before he was handcuffed. The report quoted him saying, 'Do you know who I am? You don't know anything about my problems,' and cursing at deputies who tried to get him into a patrol car."

What I mean is did his alcoholic tendencies stem from deep-seeded issues with his wife or did the bottle lead to issues with his significant other? Either way, making 20 million and being one of the best players in the MLB doesn't sound like huge problems. Maybe, there are other issues from childhood we don't know about and never will. And let me address his quote, "You don't know anything about my problems." Perhaps he doesn't realize that the WHO estimates that there are around 140 million alcoholics worldwide and 50% of marriages end in divorce. Miggy, why don't you stop being so goddamn narcissistic and find ways to cope with these issues other than driving a jalopy around in Florida with a bottle of scotch. Stop blowing your career batting average into the breathalyzer and grow up.

The fourth issue to address is how the police handled the issue. "One deputy struck Cabrera in the left thigh several times with his knee after Cabrera pushed into him, causing the ballplayer to fall into the patrol car." Picture this, please. A cop kneeing an oversized professional baseball player to try and get him to submit. I have a lot of trouble trying to play this scenario out in my head and why didn't the cop just use his hands? Pistol? Tazer? The next fight you get into, I beg you to just try and use your knees to defend yourself. See what happens.

And leave it to Ozzie Guillen to stand up for Miggy, too. Guillen has a known history of making fun of homosexuals, puppies, midgets, other minorities, kitties, and babies. It's only natural for him to come to the rescue of a rich drunk who can't make decisions on his own.

Revisiting my first sentence of this post, I ask you, which one of these mug shots is not like the other? If you guessed that one is of an Asian person, I award you half credit. If you guessed the ghastly one of the person smiling, you receive full credit. Who smiles in their mugshot? I could not look happier in a photo if it was taken at the birth of my first child. This really looks like a guy who's having problems that we, the "common folk," are unable to comprehend. And what the fuck is he wearing?!? Is that a denim scrub top? This looks like a picture taken directly from Beaumont hospital's website. If I could have photoshopped a stethoscope around his neck, I would have.

My bottom line is that kids look up to this guy and he continues to shit on their dreams. I will never understand how these guys bank so much money, yet can't hire an immigrant to drive them around when they are drinking. As Tigers fans, we can just sit and hope that this doesn't interfere with his season. If nothing happens and he gets let off, I wonder if Miggy will go out in a golf cart in the middle of Miami with a handle of Canada House screaming, "you guys will never understand me! I'm so misunderstood! I hate my life!" Win the trial or not, he has managed to lose my support. I can only hope that Carlos Guillen somehow had a bionic hip installed this offseason or the Tigers installed Foxtrax behind the baseball so Ryan Rayburn can adequately track down a flyball...