Lebron To Have Colonoscopy Secondary To Mysterious Bowel Habits

The Big Lebowski: What makes a man, Mr. Lebowski?
The Dude: Dude.
The Big Lebowski: Huh?
The Dude: Uhh... I don't know sir.
The Big Lebowski: Is it being prepared to do the right thing, whatever the cost? Isn't that what makes a man?
The Dude: Hmmm... Sure, that and a pair of testicles.

Ages ago, to be a man, it took the ability to wield a longbow, to start a fire, and to wear an oak leaf over your genitals. Over time, it has transformed to being able to provide for a family, growing chest hair and a beard, and the know-how to be a handyman. Really, all qualities that I have yet to demonstrate in adulthood. What Lebron James did on Tuesday in a return trip to Cleveland was not what I would call "manly." In case you missed it, here is a video of the incident. When Queen James was questioned after the game why he skipped the intros, he blamed it on having to go to the bathroom. Yet, he managed to slither out of the locker room immediately after intros while the lights were down and the Cavs were being introduced. Every person who has ever been an athlete knows that "the pregame dump" is taken long before the gun sounds, the ball is tipped, or the opening kickoff. The "pregame" is a precious time for an athlete where they can reflect on the task at-hand and formulate a plan of attack for the upcoming event. The pregame is never rushed. Never hurried. Even if you only have to let loose a phantom deuce, you take your time, you enjoy it. Pregames were never meant to be had as your starting center is being introduced.
Now, Bron could have been doing 3 things. He could have been trying to stick it to the Cleveland fans...again, he could have been trying to cowardly avoid the inevitable barrage of boos, or he could have been taking the Browns to the Superbowl (which is something that would never happen)/growing a tail/giving birth to the sixth Cosby/pinching a loaf. I hypothesize that his answer would be that he was rubbing salt in the wounds of the fans but really I think deep down, he didn't want to hear what the fans had to say about him, about his leaving the city of Cleveland out to dry. What he did was nothing short of dastardly. And in a league full of babies, he wore the biggest diaper on this night. Add this event to Lebron saying that he doesn't know what "contraction" meant and you have a public image that is crumbling faster than a loaf of day-old Jimmy John's bread. I can only hope that LBJ finishes his career with 0 rings. And if you missed the game, Byron Scott did a nice job rallying his troops. He wrote on the locker room whiteboard, "1. Play Hard 2. Take Care of Home 3. What Do You Have To Lose/Gain?" Seems like the boys in maroon took it to heart as they came out and thumped the Heatles.
What I do know is that it takes a man to correctly pick this year's Final Four. And that is precisely what this clown did on ESPN. Incredible. I would have had better luck in my Final Four if I had picked the Wonderboys of Arkansas Tech, the Dirtbags of Cal State Long Beach, the Banana Slugs of The University of Cal/Santa Cruz and the Perkins School for the Blind. Needless to say, UConn was the only team I had in the Final Four. I can only assume your bracket is as busted as mine.
And speaking of manly men, how about this Shaka Smart character? I'll admit, I had NO idea who he was or that VCU even existed before this year's tourney. Another thing I did not know is that he turned down Yale and Harvard to attend Kenyon College, a liberal arts school in the shitbomb known as Ohio, where he finished magna cum laude with a degree in history even though the enrollment at Kenyon is 2 people. The dude is obviously smart (pun intended) and he implements a style of hoops that he calls, "havoc," which tries to get teams to deviate from their game plan. And that is exactly what they have managed to do thus far. The first full game I watched of VCU was against my horse, Kansas. Kansas began the game dumping it down low at-will and looked to take control early. Somehow, VCU managed to pull ahead for good on the backs of a 4 foot 3 inch Mexican with the ball on a string and a goofy looking 5 that can stroke the 3 a la Kevin Pittsnogle circa 2005. As the game became more and more out of reach and I was pondering changing it to something more entertaining like "Cougar Town," I was eerily drawn back to watching the ensuing meltdown that would finish off everybody's bracket for good. Shaka Smart has these kids drinking the Kool-Aid and there was even a time where he was down and moving like he was playing defense on the lackadaisical guard play of KU. His defender responded by forcing the Kansas player baseline and out-of-bounds. As the game came to a close, I found myself hopping on the VCU bandwagon wondering how long the slipper would fit. After the game, reporters tried to rile him up by asking what he thought of all the ESPN analysts who said they shouldn't have even made the tourney (cough, Jay Bilas). Smart did a masterful job shrugging it off, crediting Kansas, and commending his team's effort. Rather than get caught up and blast ESPN, he took the high road and was gracious.

Perhaps that is what being a man boils down to. Being able to take the high road in the face of a trap. Being gracious and humble in the face of a W that no one thought would happen. Being happy and proud for a chance at greatness in the face of a media full of haters rather than hiding in the shitter.

Cheers to you, VCU. You have silenced the basketball world with Ws over PAC 10, Big 10, Big 12, SEC, Big East, and ACC opponents. I can only hope you continue to play as men and finish off the Horizon League.