The Single Greatest Bit Ever Televised On ESPN

Nuclear Mustachalogy.

Don't Forget To Drink Double If Sneaking Cheese Past A Rat

From http://detroit4lyfe.com/articles/detroit-tigers/rod-allen-drinking-game-2010.html

This has to be the most genius drinking game ever created. If you don't think this is funny, you have never watched FSN whilst Rod Allen is speaking...NOTE: Do not try this at home. Not even the mighty Stefan Zonia could get through 9 innings of this shit.

THE
ROD ALLEN
DRINKING GAME v2.0

*If Rod is on national television, all drinks are doubled.

* Before the game, decide on one of these commercials (Belle Tire, Little Caesars, Bernstein's or Dr. Rahmani) and drink 3 each time the selected commercial comes on.

1 DRINK ——————————————————

When Rod says, “pahdnuh.”

When Rod says, the Tigers have the best fans in baseball everyone must raise their beverage and take one drink.

When Rod agrees with Mario and says, “you’ve got that right.”

When Rod says, "without question."

When Rod says, "legit."

When Rod says, “oh, for sure”

When Rod responds to Mario by saying, "good point."

Whenever A Fox Sports Detroit girl is shown or mentioned.

3 DRINKS —————————————————

When Rod says, “I see you _____!”

When Rod is shown in the booth, all players must yell, “I see you, Rod!” and drink 3.

When a player shows bunt and Rod mentions this as being a “good idea”

When Rod says that a player or coach can “flat out” do something.

When Rod starts a sentence with “them boys.”

When Rod classifies something as a “major league,” such as a hit or an at bat.

When Rod identifies a pitch as a change “piece” or slide “piece”

When Rod says that a hit was “majestic.”

When Rod says, “filthy.”

When Rod correctly answers the trivia question.

When Rod says that a pitcher has “easy gas.”

When Rod makes any kind of reference to a player or his ability being “special”

When Rod starts a sentence with “for whatever reason”

When Rod says the phrase “professional hitter” or “professional pitcher”

When Rod says, "tremendous."

When Rod says, "big fella."

When Rod says, "cabby."

When Rod says, "cheese." (double if he is talking about sneaking cheese by a rat)

When Rod starts a sentence with, "make no mistake."

When Rod says, "look no further."

Whenever Rod reads the in game promo. (double if it's Tigers fantasy camp)

Whenever MARIO ends an inning saying, “Tigers threaten, but do not score.”

5 DRINKS ————————————————

Whenever Rod says he talked to someone before the game. (Double if this comes at "batting practice")

When showing the fans, you spot a Rod Allen poster. (double if on the road)

When Rod says the phrase, “oh no he didn’t.”

Whenever Rod “feels sorry for the (opposing team/player)” after a pitchers stuff is especially “filthy” that day

When a player shows bunt and Rod does not mention it being a good idea.

When Rod says “stop it _____.” This usually comes when an opposing player is having a great game against the Tigers.

When Rod says that a player “better come correct.”

When Rod asks, “are you serious?!”

When Rod starts a sentence with “call me crazy, but.”

When Rod praises Leyland for doing something unconventional. Such as hit and run on 0-2 count. Double the drinks if the move backfires and Rod still praises the move.

When Rod describes someone as being “old school.”

When Rod says the phrase, “the unintentional, intentional walk.”

When Rod incorrectly answers the trivia question.

When Rod says something is a "remedy for success."

When Rod says, "big fly!"

Whenever Rod describes a pitch or a line drive as an "absolute seed."

Whenever Rod says, "cat."

Whenever Rod says a pitcher is throwing a "steady diet" of a certain pitch.

Whenever Rod says, "eaassyyy Papa Grande"

Whenever Rod asks, "are you kidding me?"

Whenever Rod sends out a tweet during the game.

Whenever Rod says a play got "into one's kitchen."

Whenever John Keating interrupts the game with highlights from around the MLB. (0 drinks if it is anyone else)

When Rod says, "ribeyes" or "steaks" when talking about runs batted in.

7 DRINKS ————————————————

Whenever Rod intentionally spells something out incorrectly to make a point: (That boy is B-A-D-D, bad! or Don Kelly is getting B-I-Z-Z-Y, busy! Or Santiago is S-M-O-O-V-E, smooth!)

When Rod describes someone as being “country strong!” (triple if he is still talking about Marcus Thames)

When Rod says, "baseball's a great game."

Whenever Rod says a player "looks good in his uniform." (double if he is talking about a coach)

When Rod says, "contact to damage ratio." (double if it is off the chain)

When Rod says that a pitcher is throwing “itty bitty ones.”

Whenever Rod incorrectly uses the word "literally."

Whenever cotton candy is mentioned.

Whenever Rod describes his physique as being "puffy."

8 DRINKS ————————————————

When Rod references his time with the 84 Tigers, take as many drinks as hits (8) that he had with the 84 Tigers.

Whenever Rod describes a player’s spin move as a “pirouette”

When showing the fans, you spot a Rod Allen poster where he is dressed up as Luigi. (double if on the road)

Whenever Rod makes the statement “some kind of _____.” (IE: Some kind of smooth)

When Rod compares a Tiger to Albert Pujols.

When Rod references Mario’s “fancy” education or large pay checks.

When Rod calls for the suicide squeeze.

When Rod says, "game within the game."

Whenever Rod references his playing time in Japan.

10 DRINKS ———————————————

When Rod says that a broken bat “died a hero” on a hit.

When Rod is being critical or openly questions a coaching decision made by Leyland.

When Rod says the Tigers are “beatin’ on the (opposing pitcher) like he stole something!”

When Rod says a player is "stylin' and profling."

When Rod says “get on with your bad self!”

12 DRINKS ——————————————

When Rod says “buggy whipped.”

When Rod mentions Beyonce.

20 DRINKS ——————————————

When the footage of Rod charging the mound in Japan is shown.

When Rod mentions the "Rod Allen Drinking Game" on the air or on twitter.

General Silliness 2 drinks may be had when Rod displays general silliness. This optional rule can be applied in group or individual play and can be declared before the game or invoked when the silliness occurs. General silliness can be loosely interpreted as that’s why it’s not technically part of the rules. Experienced players will recognize this activity which can include stepping over the play by play with yelps, screams or any array of noises, use of non-words, abundant laughing or appearing overly giddy.

Two Wildly Amazing Links I Read Today

http://nobodyputsbradeinthecorner.com/congratulations-greg-olsen

http://www.happyplace.com/8868/kenny-powers-isthe-new-mfceo-of-k-swiss

The NBA Playoffs. Where terrible point guard play swings home court advantage

I'll admit it. I quit on the NBA this year. While I thoroughly enjoyed the Game 7 slugfest between the Lakers and Celtics last season, I could not dedicate myself to the regular season this year. Much of that stems from the fact that my beloved Pistons were not only bad this season, but they might been the most apathetic, boring and irrelevant team in the history of the NBA. The formation of the mega-teams in major markets has made the NBA like European soccer. We have our powerhouse clubs, Miami, Boston, LA, Dallas, San Antonio, etc that are in the playoffs every year and usually win the title. Since 1984 the only teams that have won the NBA title are the Celtics, Lakers, Pistons, Bulls, Spurs, Rockets, Heat. If you excuse the 2006 Heat title, six teams have won the NBA title in the last 25 years. The NBA has been the anti-NFL, a place where parity does not exist. This effect has made the regular season an exercise in futility as the star studded teams destroy the jobber-like Sacramento Kings and Minnesota Timberwolves for six months biding their time until the playoffs start. This season was shaping up like any other, and it was pretty much accepted that Miami, Boston, LA, or San Antonio would win the title. Maybe Chicago or Orlando or Oklahoma City would beat one of the big boys but we all assumed that these teams were either too poorly constructed( Orlando) or youthful (Chicago and Oklahoma City) to make a serious title run this year.

But then the playoffs started. Memphis shocked the world, Orlando no-showed versus the Hawks, and the Lakers and Celtics were at least bothered by game efforts from an undermanned Knicks squad and a pesky Hornets team (Chris Paul just reclaimed his throne as the best pure point guard in basketball, Derrick Rose is not a point guard but rather a strange combo between Dwyane Wade and Penny Hardaway) and the young Bulls got all they could handle from a tough Pacers team. Dallas went through a battle against Portland. All in all, the first round of the NBA playoffs showed that the middle-class of the NBA can compete with the big boys come playoff time. I was in Memphis when they upset the Spurs, and it was amazing to see the excitement and joy from the fans down there. Keep in mind that Memphis had never won a playoff game before this post-season, and they absolutely took down a four-time championship team in what would have been a 5 game smackdown if it wasn't for two ridiculous shots by Manu Ginobili and Gary Neal.

As the second round has unfolded, the championship race is suddenly wide open. Begrudgingly, the Heat look like the favorites. This series with Boston has been physical as hell and it will be interesting to see how the series will play out if Boston can retain homecourt. If the Celtics can get another performance like the one last night from Garnett and can get anything out of O'neal and O'neal then this series will probably go 7 and it will be interesting to see how much this one will take out of eventual winner. The Chicago-Atlanta series is interesting because the Hawks are showing some balls and proving people wrong after getting killed by Orlando last season. I don't think they will beat Atlanta just because Derrick Rose is playing at such a high level right now. I think everyone who saw him play at Memphis knew he would be good in the NBA, but I don't think anyone saw him emerging as arguably the best player on the planet so quickly. He put on a transcendent performance the other night in scoring 44 points on the road, and I think that he will refuse to allow the Bulls to lose this series.

Out West, things have gotten interesting. The Lakers are practically done, and they know it, everyone in America knows it, but they have a living legend in Kobe Bryant who will not quit(ok he might depending on how the other guys play, but at this point I can't blame him) and if any team can win four straight it is the two time defending champions. Realistically, Dallas will win this one in 5 or 6, the Lakers will move Gasol and Odom to Orlando for Dwight Howard and Hedo, and will begin to rebuild. Gasol has totally disappeared during the playoffs and there are crazy rumors of Kobe's wife convincing Pau's finacee to leave him while they are beefing with the Kardashians because Lamar Odom's wife is more famous than them(I shit you not). The Mavericks needed to beat the Lakers to erase some of the questions about their toughness. Dallas has been in some wars and they have had some terrible luck. They fell apart in 2006 and I feel like they have spent the last few years trying to regain their smile. I think they were scarred by getting upset by the Warriors in 2007. Remember that team was 67-15 and lost to one of the best 8 seeds(and best NBA crowds) in recent memory. Dirk has played out of his mind and is cementing himself as an all-time great on the level of Charles Barkley or Karl Malone. If the Mavericks can keep this run going and win it all then it will validate Dirk as probably the greatest offensive power forward in basketball history. There has never been a legit 7 footer than can do the things he can do offensively. He's had to carry so much of the load the last few years that its good to see this team kind of come together around him.

The Memphis-Oklahoma City series has shown one thing. That is the fact that Russell Westbrook is the new Stephon Marbury. In fact he might be worse, because at least Starbury gave up money to the community. Westbrook put on one of the most atrocious point guard performances ever yesterday. He shot his team out of a 15 point lead, constantly got guys terrible shots, turned the ball over, and refused to acknowledge that the best scorer in basketball is on his team. He waved Durant off, got him the ball in terrible spots, and forced an offensive wunderkind to stand in the corner for the last quarter and a half of the game. They will never win a title with him and should trade him for Deron Williams right now. Memphis is playing with tons of heart and I want them to win the whole thing because their city is flooding and it would be...hilarious

Shaka "Iron Man" Smart

This is what coaches SHOULD be doing with their teammates...

Awesome.

Lebron To Have Colonoscopy Secondary To Mysterious Bowel Habits

The Big Lebowski: What makes a man, Mr. Lebowski?
The Dude: Dude.
The Big Lebowski: Huh?
The Dude: Uhh... I don't know sir.
The Big Lebowski: Is it being prepared to do the right thing, whatever the cost? Isn't that what makes a man?
The Dude: Hmmm... Sure, that and a pair of testicles.

Ages ago, to be a man, it took the ability to wield a longbow, to start a fire, and to wear an oak leaf over your genitals. Over time, it has transformed to being able to provide for a family, growing chest hair and a beard, and the know-how to be a handyman. Really, all qualities that I have yet to demonstrate in adulthood. What Lebron James did on Tuesday in a return trip to Cleveland was not what I would call "manly." In case you missed it, here is a video of the incident. When Queen James was questioned after the game why he skipped the intros, he blamed it on having to go to the bathroom. Yet, he managed to slither out of the locker room immediately after intros while the lights were down and the Cavs were being introduced. Every person who has ever been an athlete knows that "the pregame dump" is taken long before the gun sounds, the ball is tipped, or the opening kickoff. The "pregame" is a precious time for an athlete where they can reflect on the task at-hand and formulate a plan of attack for the upcoming event. The pregame is never rushed. Never hurried. Even if you only have to let loose a phantom deuce, you take your time, you enjoy it. Pregames were never meant to be had as your starting center is being introduced.
Now, Bron could have been doing 3 things. He could have been trying to stick it to the Cleveland fans...again, he could have been trying to cowardly avoid the inevitable barrage of boos, or he could have been taking the Browns to the Superbowl (which is something that would never happen)/growing a tail/giving birth to the sixth Cosby/pinching a loaf. I hypothesize that his answer would be that he was rubbing salt in the wounds of the fans but really I think deep down, he didn't want to hear what the fans had to say about him, about his leaving the city of Cleveland out to dry. What he did was nothing short of dastardly. And in a league full of babies, he wore the biggest diaper on this night. Add this event to Lebron saying that he doesn't know what "contraction" meant and you have a public image that is crumbling faster than a loaf of day-old Jimmy John's bread. I can only hope that LBJ finishes his career with 0 rings. And if you missed the game, Byron Scott did a nice job rallying his troops. He wrote on the locker room whiteboard, "1. Play Hard 2. Take Care of Home 3. What Do You Have To Lose/Gain?" Seems like the boys in maroon took it to heart as they came out and thumped the Heatles.
What I do know is that it takes a man to correctly pick this year's Final Four. And that is precisely what this clown did on ESPN. Incredible. I would have had better luck in my Final Four if I had picked the Wonderboys of Arkansas Tech, the Dirtbags of Cal State Long Beach, the Banana Slugs of The University of Cal/Santa Cruz and the Perkins School for the Blind. Needless to say, UConn was the only team I had in the Final Four. I can only assume your bracket is as busted as mine.
And speaking of manly men, how about this Shaka Smart character? I'll admit, I had NO idea who he was or that VCU even existed before this year's tourney. Another thing I did not know is that he turned down Yale and Harvard to attend Kenyon College, a liberal arts school in the shitbomb known as Ohio, where he finished magna cum laude with a degree in history even though the enrollment at Kenyon is 2 people. The dude is obviously smart (pun intended) and he implements a style of hoops that he calls, "havoc," which tries to get teams to deviate from their game plan. And that is exactly what they have managed to do thus far. The first full game I watched of VCU was against my horse, Kansas. Kansas began the game dumping it down low at-will and looked to take control early. Somehow, VCU managed to pull ahead for good on the backs of a 4 foot 3 inch Mexican with the ball on a string and a goofy looking 5 that can stroke the 3 a la Kevin Pittsnogle circa 2005. As the game became more and more out of reach and I was pondering changing it to something more entertaining like "Cougar Town," I was eerily drawn back to watching the ensuing meltdown that would finish off everybody's bracket for good. Shaka Smart has these kids drinking the Kool-Aid and there was even a time where he was down and moving like he was playing defense on the lackadaisical guard play of KU. His defender responded by forcing the Kansas player baseline and out-of-bounds. As the game came to a close, I found myself hopping on the VCU bandwagon wondering how long the slipper would fit. After the game, reporters tried to rile him up by asking what he thought of all the ESPN analysts who said they shouldn't have even made the tourney (cough, Jay Bilas). Smart did a masterful job shrugging it off, crediting Kansas, and commending his team's effort. Rather than get caught up and blast ESPN, he took the high road and was gracious.

Perhaps that is what being a man boils down to. Being able to take the high road in the face of a trap. Being gracious and humble in the face of a W that no one thought would happen. Being happy and proud for a chance at greatness in the face of a media full of haters rather than hiding in the shitter.

Cheers to you, VCU. You have silenced the basketball world with Ws over PAC 10, Big 10, Big 12, SEC, Big East, and ACC opponents. I can only hope you continue to play as men and finish off the Horizon League.

The Return of Arrogance

I'm thinking...Should I do it? Should I not? Should I do it? Should I not? And I'm really wrestling with myself about this. I cross the goal line and I'm like, "Hey, fuck it."
-Desmond Howard on striking the pose during The Game in 1991.

I didn't start speaking in earnest until I was three years old. My parents were very concerned for quite some time. They were actually concerned enough that they took me to the doctor to make sure I wasn't mute or autistic. When I finally started speaking it became obvious that I had just been biding my time, focusing intently on one thing: sports. I knew all the names to all the players donning the maize and blue. As I grew and started to be able to dribble the basketball I wanted to be Jalen Rose. I chose the number six for my first soccer team because I wanted to be Tyrone Wheatley (I know Tyrone Wheatley didn't play soccer so that doesn't make sense, but I was 5 years old. Give me a fucking break.) Some of my first memories are of Desmond Howard streaking to the end zone as Keith Jackson belted out "Hello Heisman!" I remember clearly jumping to my feet screaming and cheering as the Fab Five came back in East Lansing and again as Jalen went off in Champaign in front of the Orange Crush. When I attended my cousin's graduation from MSU I may have asked the entire family why I was there because, "It's not like State is a real school anyway." I may have received a well deserved beating for that little comment too. As I got older I decided I wanted to be a cornerback after watching Charles Woodson snag an impossible interception against MSU. Take a few minutes and watch all those moments and try not to smile if you're a Michigan fan. From my youngest years I was a loud and proud Michigan fan, because that's where I'm from and that's what we do.

These last few years have been rough though. There have been too many memories that will get lumped in with those not so fond childhood moments like Desmond being tripped in the end zone or Chris Webber calling timeout. Hell, these last three years have been a lifetime of terrible memories as far as Michigan fans are concerned. I've almost been glad to be in a war zone rather than Ann Arbor during our rivalry games.

I see our football team struggling. I also see what they can become. No one will ever convince me that 10 wins wasn't our floor with Rodriguez this upcoming season...and then I see a coaching change made that might make us wait awhile longer. I hear our rivals laughing and jeering. Hell, some OSU fans don't even bother with that anymore. They've resorted to pure pity for us now. And yet, we have 20+ returning starters, so how much can we really slip? (Don't answer that, especially if you're a State fan and more experienced with crushed dreams). The truth, whether you're a Hoke, Rodriguez, or rival fan, is that Michigan's football future is bright no matter who is at the helm.

This winter was expected to be even bleaker on the hardwood. But even though we have the youngest basketball team West of Kim Jong Il's pleasure squad, our boys have somehow battled back to become a tournament team. I might argue that they've become one of the most compelling teams in the nation this past month. They're talented, and they have heart, and they're fun to watch. They do dumb shit sometimes, but again...I can see the spark. I can see the future out of these guys and it's great. It's what the future of a basketball power should look like.

Meanwhile our two biggest rivals are celebrating mixed bags. Ohio State finally slipped up and is backtracking to explain why their "saint" of a football coach wouldn't tell the NCAA about obvious infractions or at least bench the players he knew were clearly ineligible. But they still have the #1 overall seed in the NCAA tournament, and they can still point to the scoreboard this past decade. We've finally managed to sweep MSU in their flagship sport for the first time since I was in junior high and the Spartan football team has completed their annual assault banquet. And yet, they can still point to the last three years, the best they've had in half a century.

Before the 2008 NFL Draft the Onion did a breakdown of Jake Long and it includ ed a bullet that said, "Went to Michigan, so he'll probably be fucking insufferable about that." I love that, because in the satire is truth. We're proud beyond reason. We wear our pride like a badge of honor like no other alums I've met do. It's not just where we went to school, it's a deep part of our identity. And it's part of the fun of being a Michigan fan and alum. Whether it's on the field, court, ice, mat, in the pool, lab, or even fucking space, bitches...we win. And yeah, we like to talk about it. Enough that national sportswriters include notes to reassure us that our team is safely in the tournament and please don't flood their inbox. Enough that our national basketball legacy has been turned into a documentary (highest rated ever) about brash, trash talking, wunderkinds who changed the entire culture of the sport. They brought swagger into it. They brought style to it. They embodied that Michigan spirit that some people, mainly members of lowly rival fanbases, like to call arrogance.

This week the Fab Five documentary was aired and it was incredible. It's been almost 20 years since those kids ignited Crisler Arena. A few things popped out from that first Duke game. Did you see the way the crowd was going nuts? Did you see how fun it was to be Michigan? To be unapologetically great? Michigan trailed by 10 at the half and judging from the ovation there wasn't a single person in Crisler that didn't seem to believe in the kids on the floor. It's something I've rarely experienced this last decade, and I want it back. I want our teams to walk out on the court or field and expect to dominate. I want opposing teams to know that no matter how good they think they are, and no matter what they'll accomplish, they'll be remembered for their games against the boys in Maize and Blue.

I've held my tongue the last three years. I haven't talked shit at all. I've been gracious in what few victories we've had, and even more so in the many defeats we've suffered. I've seen why our rivals are our rivals because when they win the talk never ends. And when they lose it's, "Wait til next year," or, "Oh, sure, you have ONE good season..." I've been mute, biding my time once again.

Tomorrow, our too-young-to-compete basketball team will step onto the court as an 8 seed, and most of the Asshats on ESPN are picking them to bow out in the first round against Tennessee. The last few years whisper to me that they're probably right, that I shouldn't get too excited or set my expectations too high. That if we, as a fanbase, get too brash, too confident, the response from every hater crawling in the AIDS swamps of East Lansing and Columbus will be deafening when we fall.

But I see the future coming friends. It's got many great moments. I see more "Hellooooo Heisman!" I see banners being raised and parades to the President's house. I see a lot of moments that are going to be really hard to be quiet about. And I see them coming soon. And knowing all this, I've been really wrestling with myself. Should I do it? Should I not? Should I do it? Should I not?

Hey, fuck it.

WE GONNA SHOCK THE WORLD!

Tough Road for Cagers/Lucky Draw for Sparty

Michigan is the #8 seed. I could bitch and moan about this a little more, but the committee thinks Michigan was good enough to win at least one game, apparently with MSU being seeded #10, they don't think much of Sparty at all. There is a tough road ahead for the Cagers, it is unlikely that Michigan beats Duke in the 2nd Round, crap, but the only other #1 seed I'd rather play is Pitt, so I'm not too upset about it. I wont be stupid enough to go around saying that Michigan is going to BEAT Duke, once again, Michigan has a CHANCE to beat Duke. The Cagers got over the hump last year, so it's not like we haven't beat Duke recently!? HOWEVER, let's stay focused on beating Rocky Top and Coach Barbecue first. This game is more than winnable, Tenn. lost to my OU Grizzlies at home, plus with MICHIGAN being the HIGHER SEED, nobody can say they don't deserve to win that game. Doug Gottlieb is a straight idiot, the only thing he got right yesterday was when he referred to State as "Kalin Lucas and the Other Dudes". Any State fan that wants to argue that point are more than welcome, unfortunately when Kalin LucASS isn't scoring 30, you aren't BEATING ANYBODY! So, I guess State fans can't really argue against that point at all, sorry Little Brother. If the Cagers somehow beat the Pearls, we will have a chance too storm Chapel Hill and try to take out Coach CryBaby and the Puke Devils. What a HUGE W it would be for Michigan's basketball program, if the Cagers make the Sweet 16 with this draw, the future of our program looks more than bright. Plus, after seeing the Fab Five doc. I can truly appreciate the struggle that Michigan Basketball has been through since that time. If I could trade those years for a couple Big 10 titles and some Elite 8s the honest way, I damn sure would. But given the way Blue has played this season, if Michigan did beat Duke, the Cagers would most likely have a let-down game, (ala UTEP @ home earlier this year), I'm just being real.

Spartans, what a gift you have been given! By far and away the easiest bracket of the tournament, it is seriously such a joke. I wouldn't be surprised to see MSU fans saying that Sparty played bad all season just to get seeded lower in the tournament, most of your fans are def. that annoying and stupid, I wouldn't put it past you. The Pac-10 is WEAK, and you probably should beat UCLA, that is if State can figure out which girlfriends our theirs and not their teammates, say hi to Lucious for me. Then, if State gets past the Whack-10, you get the most laughable #2 seed of the tournament (Florida). I was so worried that this draw would make State fans salivate, and I'm actually pissed that State has such an easy road to the Sweet 16. But then something happened that made everything about State's potential yellow brick road turn to mud. Everybody's favorite Spartan and NBA dud (ouch my foot hurts) Mateeeeeeeeeeen Cleaves ruined any shot Sparty has of doing anything in the Tourney by guaranteeing MSU makes the Final Four live on ESPN! The saddest part is, most of you Spartans actually believe it and NONE OF YOU HAVE ANY REASON TOO!!! I don't care if Vegas has you favored to win the game, you are STILL a #10 seed, and you WON'T SNEAK UP ON ANYBODY!!! I heard the word "underdog" being tossed around in the media by State players yesterday too, correct me if I'm wrong, but if you're favored to win, you can't be the underdog? If anybody has the right to the "under-dog" spot it's UCLA, I'd be pissed if Vegas took a #10 seed over my team, and because UCLA isn't FAVORED to win, the Bruins can technically play the "under-dog", even though UCLA is the higher seed. I don't know, apparently simple logic is a little much for the Green and White. Also, the underdog mentality doesn't even fly, because Sparty has never been an "underdog" team this season, Sparty has just been a bad/underperforming team THIS season. Maybe Sparty's heads got swollen after two straight trips to the Final Four? Don't get me wrong, I can still give credit where credit is due and both those teams deserve recognition, not as much the Fab Five, but at least State's banners from their Final Fours still hang, State has Michigan on that one. Spartans talk like none of these teams (UCLA, Florida) even know State exists, if State is the program ALL OF YOU SPARTANS believe it is, UCLA and Florida will be prepared, stop kidding yourselves into thinking that State has gone unnoticed. State had a terrible, terrible year, and State has been noticed, FOR BEING HOT GARBAGE! It's fans and alumni like Mateeeeeeeeeeeen, that will forever make me hate Sparty. Mike Valenti on 97.1 The Ticket here in Michigan wants Blue and Green to unite, I don't know Mike......if opinions of a TERRIBLE Spartan team like this are the norm, I seriously just don't know.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, tell Izzo to stop drumming up media stories that aren't there. Your team has been Kalin Lucas and the other dudes all SEASON, quit being stupid enough to deny it. Quit trying to rub two sticks together in a tornado to get a fire lit under your team Tom, you disgust me! State whooped up on Purdont, and then promptly mailed it in (as State has all season after a big W) against Penn State. As I finish my first piece, I just saw Mr. Gottlieb taking State into the Sweet 16, if that doesn't speak to the weakness of the bracket, I don't know what does. I'm just praying State lays an egg in the tournament, because a TRUE SPARTAN would know that you don't deserve IT!

GO BLUE!!!!!!

Mr. SoLo DoLo

Jim Tressel and Ohio $tate's dirty secrets

If you haven't heard, Jim Tressel was tipped off about potential NCAA infractions committed by Deviar Posey, Terrelle Pryor in April of 2010 by a Columbus attorney and former Ohio State football player. The problem with this is that Tressel feigned ignorance when these infractions were revealed prior to the Sugar Bowl. Once the nefarious email was uncovered, Ohio State slapped Tressel on the wrist with a two game suspension, a $250,000 fine, and some other restrictions in his permissible activities. , I don't think the Tressel family will be eating Ramen Noodles for Thanksgiving next year , seeing as how Tressel's salary is $3 million a season. As for the two game suspension, I'm fairly certain that the second string Ohio State players and assistant head coach can beat Toledo and Eastern Michigan. That renders the "punishments"to Tressel utterly useless. The lack of punishment handed down isn't the real issue, however, but rather the shock at the fact that a perceived man of integrity such as Jim Tressel would conceal infractions that may have made his star quarterback and wideout ineligible. Tressel has certainly maintained the public image of an upstanding and pious citizen, but his past actions are anything but upstanding.

Prior to arriving Ohio State, Jim Tressel was the head coach and athletic director at Division I-AA powerhouse Youngstown State. He won four national titles as a head coach during his time at Youngstown State. What is rarely reported on is the incident involving star quarterback Ray Issac, Youngstown State booster, Mickey Monus, and Jim Tressel. By all accounts, Tressel introduced his star quarterback to Monus, a pharmacy chain tycoon. Monus then lavished Issacs with thousands of dollars in cash, cars, and other illegal benefits. A farcical "internal" investigation occurred in which Tressel denied everything and the university basically covered everything up.

A year after this incident, Tressel was hired at Ohio State. Since becoming head coach, Ohio State has been an bonafide college football powerhouse winning 7 Big Ten titles, going 9-1 against Michigan(grr), playing in three national title games, and of course stealing the 2002 national title from Miami. However, his resume has not been spotless. The Maurice Clarett saga uncovered some of the shady business going on in Columbus. Clarett talked of grade fixing, impermissible benefits, and other no-no's. He also mentioned that many of these misdeeds were occurring with full knowledge of the coaches or at least Tressel. Now we have the evidence that he was tipped off by an Ohio State alum about benefits that would have landed the players on the ineligible list( Ask A.J. Green about what selling your jersey to an agent gets you) and concealed them while those same players played key roles in leading the Buckeyes to another Big Ten title. The aforementioned evidence is very damning as to the lack of character exhibited by Tressel. This is all coming out of the biggest athletic program in America. Ohio State has massively successful sports programs, and they are highly profitable, yet in both basketball and football they have a seedy history of cheating. Look up how the Jim O'Brien era ended in Ohio State, or the Cris Carter agent scandal from the 1980's. These are all huge infractions and when things constantly come up decade after decade it goes to show you that maybe the Buckeyes are dirtier than the rest.

One Shining Moment: Bandwagon Sports Fans Blindly Set Tourney Brackets

As I sit here and ponder why Thad Matta's nose is so flat, I can't help but think how exciting this time of the year is. March and April offer so much. March Madness, the NBA/NHL season winding down, spring baseball and opening day, and the NFL draft. The weather begins to change and we crack open our first Oberon of the season. It reminds me a lot of the excitement in the air when the leaves begin to change in September and the Gameday crew gives their opinions on the upcoming football season. March and September evoke copious amounts of nostalgia for me.

I, in no way, claim to be an NCAA basketball guru. I am actually the anti-Jay Bilas. But when the calendar changes from February to March, I find myself glued to the television and looking up meaningless articles on Bracketology in an attempt to make an educated decision on who will win the whole thing. What other time of year do you get a phone call from your mother asking you to fill out her bracket? I remember skipping class in undergrad to watch games in the basement on the League Underground in Ann Arbor while eating spicy chickens from Wendy's and screaming at the TV. First things first, I believe UM has done enough to make the dance even though they are 0-50 against ranked opponents. They did a nice job against these teams but have minimal quality W's against the big boys. That being said, I see them as a 10 seed with a nice chance to knock off whoever they play. But who will win the whole thing? I have no clue. Kansas looks deep enough to do it, Texas plays a lot of defense, Duke will always be in contention, and OSU, if their bigs can stay out of foul trouble, will have a decent shot.

What I do know is that we all revert back to childhood in the face of these great tourney games. We laugh, we clap, we cheer, and we get uber pissed when your dark horse upset special gets bounced on a buzzer beater. I have written off filling out a bracket at least 10 times, but when March comes, I am the first dummy trying to predict the champ. Allow me to give 2 other examples of grown men becoming little boys during big games.

1) June 2, 2010. Galarraga on the hill. Mark Grudzielanek (who?) smokes a ball into center field that Austin Jackson somehow tracks down on the warning track. He covered more ground on that play than Maggs, Damon, and Rayburn covered in the whole 2010 season. OOOOH Jackson! Watch the video and see the guys in the dugout go ape shit. You never see this kind of happiness and excitement in pro sports anymore. I was watching the game in my apartment in Detroit and erupted off the couch with goosebumps on my arms when I saw it.

2) November 6, 2010. UM vs. Illinois. Massive shootout if you remember. Scheelhaase and the Illini continue to dial up the same play on offense and our defense seems to not be getting the point. Bootleg right, throw back across the field to the RB who has leaked out of the backfield. 3 times they ran it and 3 times the back was wide open for big gains. The last time they ran it, even I saw it coming. I shot off the futon (yea, I'm a grown-up who owns a futon) and screamed obscenities at the defense and in my time of distress, I sharted (which UrbanDictionary defines as "a small, unintended defecation that occurs when one relaxes the anal sphincter to fart"). Make no mistake, I had not intended to perform this act, but I was so worked up about the play that I lost bowel function. That is reverting back to childhood in it's purest form.

Now, as we all watch the selection show, I eagerly await UM's ticket like a giddy schoolboy. I can't wait to see all of the first round action and am even contemplating skipping work to see them. Always remember, there is no shame in acting like a little kid during big games. Unless you accidentally shart. Pro sports needs a little bit more of this and a little less complaining about making 20 million dollars per year. Happy March, friends!

One more thing: This is awesome.

mamba fever

Kobe Bryant

A stud on the basketball court. A highly unlikable guy off of it.

But who cares, right?

The guy is the arguably the best competitor in the four major sports. He is certainly one of the most successful.

7 Finals appearances, 5 championships

13 All-Star appearances, 4 MVPs

12-time All-NBA first team

10-time All-NBA defensive team

Gold Medal winner, league MVP, 4^th in all-time playoff scoring, 6^th in all-time regular season scoring, second most points scored in a game (81), and so on.

The guy will go down as one of the best basketball players in the history of the game. And that wouldn’t change if he quit tomorrow.

Yet, for all his accolades, he continues to have his doubters.

Take the other night for example…

Lakers – Heat

In a back and forth, playoff intensity fueled game, Kobe attempted to do what he has done so many times in his career; win the game for his team.

On this occasion he failed.

In the last 3 minutes of the game Kobe preceded to be stripped of the ball by Dwayne Wade for the go-ahead bucket, turn the ball over under the Miami hoop, and miss a wild, 30-foot three-pointer.

Damage done. Heat win.

Shortly after the game, some articles on ESPN started popping up suggesting that Kobe Bryant was hurting his team down the stretch. Saying he forces too many difficult shots, doesn’t look for the open teammate, didn’t take time to find a better scoring opportunity near the end of the game, etc.

In case you were questioning his decisions down the stretch as well, please refer back up the page to his laundry list of accolades.

The guy knows how to win.

Just about better than anybody else in league history.

Period.

Would Los Angeles even be in that game if it weren’t for Kobe getting them to a tie game with 3 minutes to go?

No.

Would Los Angeles even be a relevant TV draw against another star studded team, like the Heat, without Kobe?

Probably not.

Would Kobe have had this much success if he cared about the possibility of failure every time he took a daring chance at winning?

Certainly not.

I think these guys know what they are doing.

I think Phil Jackson, winner of 11 NBA titles, knows how to manage his star.

I think the owners of one of the leagues most successful franchises, knows how to build a winning team.

And I think Kobe, the star in a league of supremely talented stars, who has proven to be better than the rest of them at the end of the season, 5 times, knows what he’s doing.

And this is why media members, fans and “ESPN basketball experts” drive me nuts.

Who are we to really judge?

The players are the ones who make it happen.

They are the entertainers.

They are the music makers that we pay to see.

Without them, there is nothing to talk about. Maybe that is why there is always criticism – because it makes more interesting TV and allows the 24/7 sports feed to stay plugged in. But what value is there really in hours of talk shows dedicated to the lack of chemistry on a Heat team or the selfishness and bad decision making of Kobe Bryant?

The reality is we are collective drops in a bucket of meaningless commentary with no consequence on the game at hand.

It’s easy to sit at a desk, and draw up a reason for a team or player’s failure, but it is another thing to live it and actually overcome it. Let’s give these guys a little more credit; they didn’t simply fall into success, or have it handed to them.

After the game, Kobe did something fairly rare by going back out onto the visitor’s court, and had an impromptu post-game shoot-around. When asked about it afterward by media members he basically said he was sorting some things out and working on some of his “pet shots” that weren’t falling for him during the game. He also stole a great quote and said,

“I want what most men want, I just want it more.”

The guy is 32, has cemented his legacy, and is still bothered enough by a game-gone-bad to work on his jumper after the contest?

Unbelievable.

I think we forgot just how impressive these individuals are.

Sometimes the human element is taken out of it and we expect them to be locks for an allotment of fantasy basketball statistics. It’s as if we see them as characters in video games -guys who are rated a “98” in scoring, and therefore should make the majority of their shots every night and put up 30 in their sleep. Never mind illness, family issues, depression, loss of desire, aches and pains. They are basketball robots and are expected to produce. While we sit back on the couch and blog or talk to our buddies about them, they are currently pouring sweat in the gym, not eating pizza at 3am, studying film and doing everything they can to do what we expect them to.

Now, here’s what makes Kobe so impressive.

He has accomplished what he has in the world’s best basketball league, constantly going up against players who are also supremely talented and also work exceptionally hard. Every basketball player on the planet knows who Kobe Bryant is and when they play him, give their absolute best effort to shut him down.

It must be exhausting to be a measuring stick.

Now go and be one for more than a decade.

Kobe has done it and has done it his way.

So when there is displeasure over the type of guy Kobe is off the court, how cordial of a teammate he is, or even his performance on the court and the internet, fans, talk show hosts and ESPN personalities grab hold and create a whirlwind of debate, does it really matter?

No.

Because Kobe will be shooting in a gym, and we will be watching, talking.

Ryan Mallett Slower Than A Combine

Really, Mallett?

5.37 seconds in the 40 and 26" vertical leap...

Shall we begin comparing him to Bledsoe now?

My High School Highlight Video

This kid is 5'11" and has over a 50 inch vertical...incredible...

Jacob Tucker

Heat Lose Fourth Straight, Earth Stops Spinning On Its Axis, Laws of Physics Cease To Exist, Grown Men Cry

So the Miami Heat have lost 4 games in a row. The team clearly has serious chemistry issues, as they routinely lose close games and throw away leads, especially against good teams. I understand frustration over losing; I am also extremely competitive. However, there are reports that players were crying in the locker room after their latest loss to the Chicago Bulls yesterday. This is completely ridiculous. The Heat are in a 4 game losing streak that has caused them to plummet ALLLLLLLLLLL the way down to THIRD place in the East. Still only 2 losses behind the Bulls in the standings. It's an 82 game season. Losing 4 in a row is hardly a big deal. It hasn't knocked them out of the playoff picture or even knocked them out of home court for the first round of the playoffs. However, this story is all over the news like it is some apocalyptic omen, as if the Heat going on an extended losing streak somehow is forecasting the downfall of humanity. How childish are these idiots? They are getting paid millions of dollars to play basketball for a living and they are weeping after a regular season loss in the beginning of March. This team is so mentally weak it makes me sick. After the sobbing subsided long enough for interviews, Wade had the audacity to continue pouting in his press conference saying: "this is what the whole world wanted, for us to lose". Well if it wasn't before it certainly is now. The thing everyone hates about the Heat is their self-serving sense of arrogant entitlement. They honestly believe they deserve to win a championship because instead of doing things the hard way and earning a ring, they just all joined forces on one team so that none of them ever really have to carry the squad. They just plan to let the others pick up slack when they aren't playing well (or hard). This experiment is going to backfire in a bad way I hope. It looks like Lebron might be the best 'first three quarters' player in history. The guy is an absolute bum down the stretch of close games, and I love it. If they lose a 5th game in a row there might be a mass suicide. Every single time I see a story about the NBA it makes me hate the NBA more and more. This is just the latest of gigantic athletic men acting like infants.

Rip Hamilton To Donate Pubic Beard To Charlie Villanueva

To say the Detroit Pistons are in trouble would be an epic understatement. It seems to me that ever since the move to draft Darko Milicic (when we passed on Melo, Bosh, Wade, Kaman, Collison, and West) and the move to get rid of Larry Brown in 2005 (he had been talking behind the Pistons back with the Cavs), we have been in a downward spiral of piss poor coaching and mediocrity. In the years following the essential shitcanning of Brown, we were subject to the Flip Saunders experiment and the only reason he was "successful" was because of the carry over from the work that Brown did. The rebuilding of the team in 08-09 was highlighted by hiring Michael Curry and shipping out Billups and ultimately, trading the heart and soul leader of our perennial Eastern Conference Champs. In addition, Dumars love for the aging, gambling drunkard Allen Iverson and spending 1 billion dollars on Villanueva and Gordon were not his best moves. If we were going to spend money on an aging, gambling drunkard, I would have just paid Charles "TRBL" Barkley.

Now, it hasn't been all bad. The Pistons managed to let Sheed go in 09-10. This guy should have lived on the block and made a living with smooth post moves, but instead he always seemed to jack 3s and talk shit at inopportune times and cost us game after game. They also drafted Daye, Summers, and Jerebko who look to be solid for us if we actually decide to rebuild. 2010-2011 brought us Greg Monroe who has the raw talent to become a very serviceable big man with his averages of 13 and 9 over the past month.

So, what happened to watching the Bad Boys with your dad? What happened to the heart and hustle that was shown in the days of Jerome "Junk Yard Dog" Williams? What happened to the team defense that made us the team to beat in the East? What happened to the feeling of excitement when going to a Pistons game? Now, we just go to see my future job: dancing for The Spare Tires. It seems like the only person who plays with any energy anymore is Blaha, and he is approaching the age of The Big Bang. Count THAT baby and a foul.

Let's fast-forward to our current situation with Mr. Rip Hamilton and current coach, John Kuester. In case you haven't been following, here is Exhibit A, Exhibit B, and Exhibit C. The past couple weeks have been highlighted by Rip blowing up on Kuester in practice, players laughing on the bench during the ejection of Kuester, Villanueva tweeting his opinions on his head coach, and players skipping shootaround on Friday because of sprained vaginas.

1) This is apparently what went down on the practice court: "Hamilton bellowed at Kuester that he had been a failure in his two seasons in Detroit, blown the opportunity the franchise afforded him and was nothing more than a career assistant coach." Hamilton managed to do this in front of all the aforementioned young guys above and apparently was staging a mutiny against Kuester. I can't even begin to explain how atrocious this is. As we look to rebuild and develop young talent, this is wildly unacceptable. Don't get me wrong, the Pistons would be better off coached by Richard Simmons and "Hanoi" Jane Fonda at this point, but blowing up on Q in the middle of practice is not the way to handle this issue. If I had known that Rip was going to be a metastatic cancer like this, I would have drafted UConn teammate Khalid El-Amin and that oversized garbage bag of an undershirt he used to wear instead. Yes, I would have separately used a draft pick on his undershirt.

2) Let's discuss Charlie Villanueva's twitter account which has apparently over 137,000 viewers. If you are someone who follows Charlie Villanueva on twitter, you should be shot and forced to donate your genitals to the National Alopecia Areata Foundation. Athletes, for some reason, think Twitter is a great forum to express their opinions on authoritative figures. The solution? Every time an athlete says something negative about the team or people affiliated with their franchise on a social website gets a 3-game suspension and fined. And none of this shit $25K fines. I'm talking MASSIVE fines. I don't think our founding fathers had twitter and facebook in mind when discussing freedom of speech. And even if they did discuss twitter, I'm sure they didn't discuss following Charlie Villanueva for fear of losing their genitals. The bottom line: air your dirty laundry with the source of displeasure and not on public websites.

3) All of this culminated on Friday when the Pistons skipped shootaround as a type of mutiny against their head coach. I'll admit, not bringing in anyone at the trade deadline was pretty dumb. That being said, Hamilton was offered options to get out of Detroit but turned them down because he didn't want to play for the Cavs (or be bought out to go to the Bulls) given their current record. So now he is stuck to rot on the bench where he belongs. I would have liked to have seen the Pistons bring in someone like Gerald Wallace who the Bobcats were selling like 50/50 raffle tickets at your local high school game.

Alas, were stuck with a coalition of veterans who continue to stage a coup d'état against their boss while the young players are forced to watch what happens when grown men become babies and ultimately, get their way. With the impending sale of the team, one word comes to mind for Joe Dumars. Hamstrung. The higher powers won't let any transactions occur and we're forced to watch a 22-39 team attempt to shave a 5.5 game deficit and hobble into the playoffs where they would be dismantled by any athletic team in history. Rip, Prince, CV all have to go. I don't care if we're forced to field a team consisting of Powder, Alf, Napoleon Dynamite, Doug Funny, and Optimus Prime. I am sick of these previously proud, presently pretentious primadonna's promoting pouting. Bring in some young guys that want to play for a mediocre coach (Re: Cleveland Cavaliers) and then can Kuester after the season. We should bring in Les Miles to coach! For real though, with whatever money we can spend, bring in Jerry Sloan to finish out his coaching career. He would do a wonderful job with talent development and would act as an enforcer. I'd be willing to spearhead a fundraiser at Bazooki's and The Old Shillelagh to get him here.

Richard Hamilton should be ashamed of what he is doing to an entire franchise. Just because he "fist-bumped" with Kuester and took passes from him today does not rectify our current situation. He is setting a terrible example for our young core and his incessant crybaby attitude has become taxing. He will never be Reggie Miller. He will never be Ray Allen. Take off the mask and expose who he really is: an aging veteran at the tail end of his career who needed Chauncey Billups to get anywhere in the NBA.

The NBA: Where Players Revolt

Leverage. It's not a show you see three thousand commercials for when you are watching the NBA on TNT. It's something that NBA players have been utilizing all season in order to get their way. It started with the Decision by Lebron James. While the event itself was short-sighted and orchestrated, it was made possible by one fact. Lebron James was free to go on ESPN to announce his decision because he was an unrestricted free agent free to go to any team with the right sales pitch and marketing plan. Players, especially, star players, hold tremendous leverage over team ownership and management because they are the ones that fans want to pay to see.

Unrestricted free agency means that players can use the threat of leaving via the open market to get teams to cave into their demands, whether it be Carmelo and LaLa deciding that they would rather be second round Sallies/failed reality stars in New York than Denver or Kobe threatening to take his talents to the other locker room in Staples Center unless the Lakers traded an aging Shaq. Too often teams are forced to trade star players in the NBA for less than fair value. The Nuggets-Knicks trade was reasonably fair given the man crush James Dolan has for Melo. Denver acquired three legitimate NBA starters and draft picks for an All Star and an aging yet very productive veteran in Chauncey Billups. They were able to make the best of a bad situation. Still, Dwight Howard and Chris Paul, both of whom can hit free agency after the 2012 season, can hold their teams by the balls and be able to dictate where they go next, and whether it is by trade or free agency. Teams, ultimately, have two options when star players try to play the free agency card. They can call his bluff and let him to play out his contract and thus risk losing the player to free agency or they can trade him at a discount and get a 3/4ths return. Carmelo tanked his trade value by letting out the open secret that he wanted to go only to the Knicks. This meant that the only real contenders became the Nets and the Knicks, and ultimately the Nets did nothing but drive up the price for the Knicks in a shrewd manner while I think secretly working on the Deron Williams deal. Utah pulled the trigger on the Williams trade in an effort to beat him to the punch. I don't think that they felt that he would be returning to Utah once he hit free agency, and I think the incident(s) with Jerry Sloan made it a toxic atmosphere in an organization that is very buttoned up. But by trading Williams before he really held leverage, Utah was able to get back a very strong package of players and picks. Devin Harris is a very good and still fairly young point guard to replace Williams, and the addition of Derek Favors gives the Jazz a very strong and young front line.

With the Collective Bargaining Agreement( man, has that word been in the news a lot recently) set to expire at the end of this season, it is interesting to see how the owners will attempt to reduce the amount of leverage unrestricted free agency carries. It is probably impossible to retract unrestricted free agency but the league may be able to get the players to acquiesce to a franchise player-type tag. The franchise player tag could be touted as a way to keep small market teams from losing their star caliber players, but in reality it would just be a way to get another year from players in a contract. The owners are trying to get the salary cap lowered a few million dollars a year and they will. The owners will hold players accountable for the bad contracts they gave out instead of holding the bad GM's they hired accountable. Ultimately, teams are losing millions upon millions in the NBA because they were poorly managed and no one will play to see them play in a shitty economy. The top ten teams in the NBA in terms of attendance percentage per game( how much of your arena is filled every night) are the Mavericks, Bulls, Trail Blazers, Magic, Heat, Celtics, Lakers, Knicks, and Thunder. The common denominator amongst all of these teams is that they are all pretty good, given the Knicks acquisition of Carmelo Anthony and Chauncey Billups. People in Minneapolis aren't exactly clamoring to go watch Kevin Love put up ho-hum double-double while the Timberwolves lose by 25. The onus is on owners and management to put together a competitive product if they want to stop losing money. The elite teams in the league have to play by the same salary rules, so the owners losing money really cannot cry wolf, but they will, and we won't have basketball for at least a portion of next year.

Au Revoire, Wonder of the World

Keisel shaves off his beard that he has been growing for 8 months...I couldn't grow this thing in 8 lifetimes...

Cheers to this cat.

Awesomeness

Soccer = Best Sport in the World

A while back, HamSlam wrote a blog post in which he described the pure and almost childish elation that he and so many other red-blooded Americans experiences when the man at bat smashes a home run clear out of the park, and this got me thinking.. Are there any other sports in which, at any given point during the game, one man's individual class and effort can cause the entire stadium to simply go nuts like baseball and it's home run do? Sure, football has its last-play-of-the-game hail marys and basketball has its buzzer beaters and whatnot, but the satisfaction these sports give their fans lies mainly in the result of the game, not in the actual play of the game.
Baseball's home run is only topped in awesomeness by soccer and it's wonder-goal. While home runs are always cool, even when you're like me and don't follow baseball, it's not THAT uncommon for even the most mediocre of batters to hit one or two every now and then. In soccer though, where games are often decided after 90 minutes by a solitary goal, the satisfaction of witnessing a career-making 40 yard screamer rocket into the upper 90 is indescribable. While good batters can hit hundreds of home runs in their careers, even the best soccer players might only score one or two of these dream goals in their careers. Seeing a grown man fall to his knees with tears of joy pouring down his face because of his own awesomeness makes the game seem so much more personal; it makes me want to jump into my tv and join the celebrations on the field.
I know this is an over-simplification, but as a baseball player, if you swing the bat hard and at the right time, you can hit a home run. But, in soccer, there's no pitcher, no bat, and no 3-strike rule: just a man and a ball. Wonder-goals only occur, however, when a player's set-up and execution are perfect, and even then, a decent amount of luck is involved. That's why these goals are one of, if not the single most awesome things to witness in the wide world of sports. And that's why I leave you with these videos. Are you happy, PeePee? I finally wrote and published a soccer blog...


24 year old Fredy Guarin scoring what will surely be the goal of his career

Arjen Robben is a machine and has a whole compilation of dream goals

Robben's international teammate Wesley Sneijder with an exemplary wonder-goal

Many of you probably saw Wayne Rooney's upper-90 overhead game-winner against Manchester City the other week, but, just a few days later, French striker Jimmy Briand decided to how Rooney how he prefers to take his bicycle kicks; blasting a shot through the keeper > upper 90

EDIT:

One of the most awesome wonder-goals ever: 17 year old Julian Draxler marks his professional debut with this absolute dream goal (1min 37sec) after coming as a sub late into extra time in this German Cup game with the game tied, securing a place in the quarterfinals just minutes from the game going to a penalty shootout. Unreal.

Food for Thought: Why the Lions Should TradeTheir 1st Round Pick

What is the Lions biggest need in the 2011 Draft? The biggest holes are in the secondary, depth at LB and DE. A highly skilled OT would be nice as well, since Backus' consecutive game streak could end at any time. The Lions need playmakers and they need them immediately. Will a rookie DB, LB or DE really be able to step in and have a Ndamukong Suh like impact? It's possible, but not likely. Who are the top free agents in 2011?? CB Namdi Asomugha, LB/DE LaMaar Woodley, LB Tamba Hali, LB Chad Greenway, and CB Antonio Cromartie. The NFL is a business right? If you are going to pay a guy first round money, why not not get a known commodity?

Now I'm not saying it is easy to trade first round picks because they are expensive, but if we can trade down in the first round multiple times from 13 to 16, 16 to 21, 21 to 25 etc. we will rack up later round picks and save ourselves some money. I say have this plan in place and attack the free agent market. Go get a guy who can help your team NOW. Go pay that first round money to Asomugha or Woodley and instantly improve your defense. Bringing a guy like Woodley back to his home state would be fantastic and fans would rejoice.

The NFL is a business and it is time the Lions start treating it like one.

Emo Cabrera Joins Dashboard Confessional: "You Don't Know Anything About My Problems!"

One of these mugshots is not like the other! But before I give you the answer, let's have a nice little flashback. October 2009. the Tigers lose to the Twins after leading the division since May and ultimately lose the Central and do not go to the playoffs. Worst 4 hours of my life. I think we all know where I'm going from here. The night before, Tigers slugger Miguel Cabrera stays out too late, drinks too much, and hits his wife which leads to him half-assing the game, and us losing maybe the most heartbreaking baseball game I have ever seen. I do not think I have ever been so irate at a Detroit player in my life. Well, upon thinking about childhood, I do remember Piston great Bill Laimbeer telling me, "Kid, I don't do autographs" and my dad about punching him in the ear, but thats a blog for another day. Miggy fans said, "It wont happen again." "He's a changed man." "He's our best player." Flash forward to the 2010 season where he finished with a .328 average and 38 home runs which led to him finishing 2nd in the MVP voting. "He turned a corner." "He doesn't drink anymore." Now, while he was creaming the ball last year and memories of him ruining our 2009 season were being slept under the rug, some of us didn't forget the past.

Let's flash forward now to our present conundrum. About a month before our most promising season in many, Miggy is arrested on DUI charges. I wish this is where the story ended, but alas, it is not. The only worse time to fuck up than RIGHT before the season is if you're in a playoff to get into the playoffs. Catching my drift?

My first issue with this story is the fact that he was driving a car with a bum engine which was smoking when the cops came to the scene. He is set to make $20 million this season. 20,000,000. If I made that kind of money, I would definitely own the Delorean. I would then drive said Delorean roughly 88 mph to activate the flux capacitor and go back in time to make better fucking decisions. Either that, or I would hire Elian Gonzalez to follow me around and any time 1 ounce of alcohol touched my face, he would be my DD. If imagining Elian Gonzalez and Miguel Cabrera in an inner tube in a major Florida city doesn't make you smile, then you do not have a sense of humor. Shit, if Miggy would have called me, I would have crawled to Florida and let him ride on my back to his house for just a small fraction of that 20 mil.

My second issue is Cabrera's behavior whilst inside his vehicle. I'm nearly positive that the dumbest thing you can do while behind the wheel is take a swig directly from the bottle you have been drinking. Couldn't he have hid it in a Bubba Keg or something? He might as well have been pointing a weapon at the cop while admitting that he has a kilo of Colombian Bam Bam under his seat.

My third issue here is a chicken and the egg debate. Let me explain:
"According to the police report, Cabrera was wandering into the road with his hands up before he was handcuffed. The report quoted him saying, 'Do you know who I am? You don't know anything about my problems,' and cursing at deputies who tried to get him into a patrol car."

What I mean is did his alcoholic tendencies stem from deep-seeded issues with his wife or did the bottle lead to issues with his significant other? Either way, making 20 million and being one of the best players in the MLB doesn't sound like huge problems. Maybe, there are other issues from childhood we don't know about and never will. And let me address his quote, "You don't know anything about my problems." Perhaps he doesn't realize that the WHO estimates that there are around 140 million alcoholics worldwide and 50% of marriages end in divorce. Miggy, why don't you stop being so goddamn narcissistic and find ways to cope with these issues other than driving a jalopy around in Florida with a bottle of scotch. Stop blowing your career batting average into the breathalyzer and grow up.

The fourth issue to address is how the police handled the issue. "One deputy struck Cabrera in the left thigh several times with his knee after Cabrera pushed into him, causing the ballplayer to fall into the patrol car." Picture this, please. A cop kneeing an oversized professional baseball player to try and get him to submit. I have a lot of trouble trying to play this scenario out in my head and why didn't the cop just use his hands? Pistol? Tazer? The next fight you get into, I beg you to just try and use your knees to defend yourself. See what happens.

And leave it to Ozzie Guillen to stand up for Miggy, too. Guillen has a known history of making fun of homosexuals, puppies, midgets, other minorities, kitties, and babies. It's only natural for him to come to the rescue of a rich drunk who can't make decisions on his own.

Revisiting my first sentence of this post, I ask you, which one of these mug shots is not like the other? If you guessed that one is of an Asian person, I award you half credit. If you guessed the ghastly one of the person smiling, you receive full credit. Who smiles in their mugshot? I could not look happier in a photo if it was taken at the birth of my first child. This really looks like a guy who's having problems that we, the "common folk," are unable to comprehend. And what the fuck is he wearing?!? Is that a denim scrub top? This looks like a picture taken directly from Beaumont hospital's website. If I could have photoshopped a stethoscope around his neck, I would have.

My bottom line is that kids look up to this guy and he continues to shit on their dreams. I will never understand how these guys bank so much money, yet can't hire an immigrant to drive them around when they are drinking. As Tigers fans, we can just sit and hope that this doesn't interfere with his season. If nothing happens and he gets let off, I wonder if Miggy will go out in a golf cart in the middle of Miami with a handle of Canada House screaming, "you guys will never understand me! I'm so misunderstood! I hate my life!" Win the trial or not, he has managed to lose my support. I can only hope that Carlos Guillen somehow had a bionic hip installed this offseason or the Tigers installed Foxtrax behind the baseball so Ryan Rayburn can adequately track down a flyball...